Dear Air Force important commander people who give orders:
The next time you give us orders, please include that my husband is REQUIRED to actually pack his own SHIT. You don’t pay me enough to keep doing it for him because he keeps getting BUSY on days we have to pack and move shit with your STUPID in-processing. OH WAIT, YOU DON’T PAY ME A DAMN THING. I apologize for my profanity, if you are offended you might want to give this letter to someone who is not. I am NOT some conservative gun-toting Sarah Palin housewife. But ever since he’s joined the military it appears that I am on YOUR time, not mine. I demand a personal paycheck to continue being his assistant. For some BULLSHIT reason you sent us to NORTH EFFIN DAKOTA. I don’t know if you bugged my house but this is one of the last places I ever wanted to go, I’m sure next time you’ll hit it right on the head. I realize and respect the fact that you obviously hate me. I’m not sure what I did to you, we’ve barely known each other. Also, the next time you send us somewhere, could you at least make it easier to get a DAMN house. I’m super pissed at you because of the undue burden you have imposed upon me that involves leaving my DAMN dog in INDIANA because you can’t find a STUPID apartment here that is pet friendly. It’s never a good thing when the HOUSING (yea, your housing) office told me that it was really smart that I did not bring my dog with me right away because I’d end up kenneling her until we got housing. She’s my child, you’re an asshole. Next time, I’ll get pregnant and have a child just to EFF with you, I’m sorry that WE are being RESPONSIBLE. If you’d let me list the dog as a dependent, this wouldn’t be a problem. Furthermore, I realize that it is important to protect your cherished bases but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD… is it necessary to send us literally in the middle of nowhere. The one thing standing between me and COLA is a post office and a trailer park. Oh and I’m also super pissed about the gas prices around here and the fact that there is no Olive Garden. So, if you’re still listening, I present to you my list of demands…
1) BASE HOUSING (I want my dog back).
2) Stop taking him away from me when I need him to pack his shit up, I am not a superhero and you’re giving me an ulcer.
3) A better base (physically, you’ve done a great job here.. I’m just opposed to living in
Canada Northern North Dakota unless you’re going to provide me with a free passport).
4) Stop with the expenses… if I have to pay for one more nametag…. oh wait, we got the cotton ABU’s today, omgwtfbbq.
5) Xanax because I think I need it at this point.
6) Olive Garden, Panera, and Chik-fil-A
7) RECLASS the 3br houses into those stupid 2br+, they’re open. If you’re not going to let me count my dog as a dependent, the least you could do is ignore how they’re classed since they are the SAME DAMN house.
8) FIX the BAH, this is ridiculous.
If these demands are not met in the next 5.5 years or living conditions improved, I promise you that he will not reenlist. Surprisingly enough, I am sometimes more powerful than you.
Love (through tears and gritted teeth),