No, I am not pregnant. Nor am I trying to be pregnant. Actually I’m actively preventing that situation.
We’ve been talking about babies and pregnancy and kids and stuff and made some decisions… OK, I made some decisions. I refuse to bring a child into the world where I’m laden with debt and can’t afford to support my own child. I shared that with Superman, he understands my choice. Well, we’ve had a rough few weeks around here between me being neurotic, working a lot, and feeling pushed aside for other things. But in all honesty, that’s a normal cycle of emotions for me… yeah, I know it’s not normal. I require reassurance. I get my feelings hurt when the dog abandons me for too long.
I’m also a planner, I plan for everything in my life. Excel is my favorite program of all times, it helps me control EVERYTHING financial. I’m a dork and a control freak.
I haven’t actually come to terms with this whole baby thing yet. I’m 27 (omfg) and maybe I feel some strange social pressure to start the baby train. I want kids, don’t get me wrong. But infants terrify me. What if I break it? Yeah, I know they’re sturdier than they look and it’s hard to break them, but what if I do? What if that baby has a developmental disability? What if I don’t have the patience to handle a screaming baby? What if I regret it?
I know who I am, mostly. I know my preferences and hermitish abilities. I know that I like to control noise levels. I know that I like to sleep in and do my own thing. I know what I like and how I’m currently living… that doesn’t mean I want to keep living that way. If I had my way, I’d be a stay at home mom. I want to raise my own kids. I don’t want them in daycare.
In the last few years I realized that I don’t want to work my life away. I don’t want a job to take over my life ever again. I did it once before for a paycheck and this stupid idea that it would get me somewhere. Now, it would have gotten me somewhere if I had the stomach and loose morals for corporate america. Maybe I picked the wrong field.
I’m just so sick and tired of being in a job and having people treat you like you’re garbage or that the world revolves around someone else and to hell with everyone else. I mean god forbid that people treat people like they are human beings… on both sides of the counter. When I have an issue with someone or something, I take a deep breath and then calmly handle the situation. Because of this I generally win whatever battle I’m working on. When did the world stop treating people like people and tell us it was okay to depersonalize things?
Ok, not so random tangent, I want a job I like. I want to work without being treated like garbage. I am capable of doing my job, I don’t need to be yelled at, demeaned, and verbally abused in a work environment because people are losing their minds. I don’t want to work in places like that.
That being said, I can’t raise my own kids and quit my job because then we won’t be able to enjoy our lives. I really liked being unemployed, it was the first time in a decade my life was actually my life and not someone else’s.
Oh, and now Superman said that we should start having kids. I seriously had a omfgwtf moment. Then it dawned on me that I can’t have kids just yet, I’m so not ready. And then I realized that you’re never ready are you?
I wish I was independently wealthy. Life would be so much easier. I just want to be comfortable, NOW! lol…