Today was such a weird day. I woke up this morning and couldn’t figure out why I was freezing or when my husband left. So I snuggled with the dog a little and then realized I was awake.
I checked facebook and twitter and had a wtf moment.
Although, I probably didn’t react like most people did. Most people ran over to this person’s blog and jumped out to call MP’s and hoped that a fellow blogger didn’t actually kill herself. I on the other hand, read her post probably 5 times, thought to myself that her husband is the biggest douche bag on the planet, decided I wanted to find this Liz bitch and kill her and then him, in that order. After that, I got pissed off and then a little bland.
Now, for the record, I realize that my brain and my emotions do not operate like “normal” people’s do. I realize that my reactions are complicated and sometimes illogical. The weirdest part for me is that it doesn’t phase me that my emotions run a little backwards. I have an instant feeling and it generally stays there… moreso, it’s usually pretty dead on.
Now, I virtually wandered over there and left my condolences, mainly because I really do understand this whole situation. I understand it on a strange level where I’ve actually seen most of these situations play out. The difference is that even though my brain does weird little things sometimes, I’m not suicidal. Sometimes I wish I was but I don’t have it in me. I understand that heartbreak, I understand that hysterical crying that doesn’t end, I understand all the loneliness.
I think the military trains us spouses to rely on our (wo)men. We spend time waiting for them to come back. We wait for them to come home from work. We wait until we can spend time with them without the military telling us who, what, why, where, when, and how. We wait for those few hours where we are the most important person on the planet. I know that when I don’t get my personal time to my satisfaction, I throw a temper tantrum and it’s a little ugly. But for those 7 hours I get a week, I want time, I want cuddling, I want to feel like the world doesn’t matter. I don’t want to hear cell phones or text message notifications. I don’t want people to show up at my house. I want to be alone with my little family where it’s quiet.
I empathize with her plight, I’m mad that she tried, and I feel terrible that she failed (assuming she tried). But, I’m not going to dwell because I can’t afford to get depressed over someone who I only know in print. I am really good at acting like things don’t happen because I can’t get involved in other people’s emotional things. I can barely do my own emotions, much less someone else’s.
I hope that she gets the peace she needs.