An upside to Superman’s weird schedule is that he comes home and we usually have breakfast together and have a nice, giant family cuddle session in the AM’s.
When Baby Danger was born, I was pretty floored. I knew that there was a baby in there, I understood that but there was some type of mental disconnect about it being a real child. I apparently had prepared myself to give birth to a baby doll. I wasn’t one of those pregnant women who was in love with their belly, it was novel. I thought it was really cool that I could feel him move and I worried if things went weird, but I never had an overwhelming, all-consuming feeling of love. In Baby Danger’s defense, I’m not that person, it’s not him. When they handed him to me after getting him cleaned up because he was a royal mess and covered in meconium, I was a)high on adrenaline and b)pretty sure they just handed me an alien. We spent a decent amount of time staring at each other trying to figure out what we had gotten ourselves into. It was a very foreign feeling to me. When I met Superman, I was enamored – butterflies and all. When I met the dog, I was a total mush ball (which I am with every puppy, btw). But when I met Baby Danger, it was a holy shit moment for me. Some people cry, I didn’t – I didn’t cry for 3 days. It was a procedure and he was the end result. I was scientific about it and very curious. I checked out his toes and his nails and stared at his eyes, we bonded in a weird, “they just handed me an alien” kind of way. I had an inherent draw to make sure that he was taken care of and comforted, I cuddled him but I wasn’t afraid to put him down or let someone else hold him for a while.
Fast forward a month later. We were on leave before our great PCS adventure and we were at Superman’s Mom’s house. She offered to take Baby Danger into her room for the night so that “I could get some sleep”. My first inclination was a resounding, “hell no!” I’m not sure what changed in that first month, but I fell in love with my child. The next week, someone told me I was hogging him and nearly got their face ripped off. Apparently my mama bear is strong, very strong, and mildly violent. He was MY baby and I will do with him what I wish.
A friend of mine whom I’ve never met in real life, posted on her facebook when her daughter was a few months old declaring her epiphany of loving her daughter and not wanting to change a single thing about it. I was impressed with her honesty. I knew that her child was not on purpose and that originally she had no intent on having children. She’s not the only one I know who swore off kids only to end up pregnant and fantastic at being a mom. An old co-worker of mine made some snappy little joke about how he’d never pictured me with kids and it hurt. I’ve always wanted kids, but I wanted them on my own timeline, when I felt like I was ready for them. I wanted it to be responsible and intentional. But then again, he’ll never have kids because that would involve him getting his life together,which he has very much not done and continues to fail.
This morning, I was playing on Superman’s facebook because he has some friends that I don’t have and I like to stalk them because it’s literally like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I mean seriously, who needs reality TV when you have access to those facebook friends?! You all have them, it’s okay to admit it. It’s a guilty pleasure. Anyway, I look over and Superman, Baby Danger, and Bailey-Dog are passed out cold taking a nap. As I type, they’re still asleep. Baby Danger was SO excited to see his dad this morning. I was still asleep after a long night of very interrupted sleep from him and the dog and I could hear him talking and yelling and storytelling from his swing. One day, he’ll have words and they’ll be amazing (and probably really annoying for a while, lol). But it was heartwarming to hear him so excited to see his Dad. I’m pretty sure he ratted me out for the 1/2 of a box of girl scout cookies I ate last night in his little quest to tell his stories, it’s a good thing Superman doesn’t speak gibberish.
Watching them all sleep made me realize that I am indeed head-over-heals in love with an infant. Baby Danger makes my life complete. I didn’t know what the feeling was like, I’d heard about it but obviously never experienced it. It’s a different complete from marriage. We’re partners but with BD – I’m his everything.
I wouldn’t change it for the world.