My heart is aching

I’ve spent the last few days dealing with a child with a severe aversion to sleeping in his crib.  He’s new at this, so I don’t hold him too much at fault.  On the other hand, I can’t even get solid naps in there either.  I’ve been frustrated, overwhelmed and just plain mean from exhaustion.  Yes, I should have taught him how to sleep in his crib sooner but he gave up his pacifier months ago so we have no self-soothing mechanism anymore.  I’d leave him in his rock ‘n play but the kid can pretty much wiggle himself out once he sits up.  Regardless, it’s been a rough week for me and him.  Lots of crying, lots of tiredness, lots of exhaustion tantrums from Baby Danger not napping properly.  We also thought we had 3 teeth coming in.. well, apparently we have 2 and one of the is pretty huge.  Huge enough that I’m mildly concerned about its size, it’s almost like it’s 2 teeth fused together, we’ll see.  It’s only half way here.  

 

This last week involved my cell phone surfing across base on the top of my car and making it not quite all the way home.  Some girl found it and was nice enough to text us to let us know where it was.  My social awkwardness kicked in and I’m pretty sure she’s wondering why she even bothered.  I thanked her, but I walked away feeling like I hadn’t done enough to express my gratitude.  The screen was smashed to pieces and after a warranty replacement and 2 days, I got a new phone.  Then today, I traded the phone for an iphone 5, so whatever.  I even managed to fully flip shit on Superman last week about him not doing anything and I’m pretty I directly threatened Tiger Woods in the process (I hate that video game, HATE it).

 

But, all of my frustrations dissapeared 3 days ago, maybe 2.  You see, about 16 month ago, I was following a mama on twitter and saw the most heartbreaking news I’ve ever seen.  At the time, I was 3ish months pregnant and potentially right before the end of my first trimester, but this isn’t about me.  Regardless, I was terrified.  I was distraught.  I cried, I cried for her, I cried for me, I cried for my friends, I cried for every mama out there who lost their baby(ies).  Her twins died, they were born really early and neither made it.  I’d been following her since then but with this phone shattering business, I haven’t gotten the chance to really keep an eye on my friends’ feed on anything.  She was pregnant again and due this month.  He died too, this time after birth.  He contracted some type of virus that attacked his heart and killed him.  I was heartbroken for her again.  I haven’t thought about much else for the last few days, my thoughts keep drifting back to her and her babies.. and then mine.  

Even though I’m tired and exhausted and probably hungry, I have snuggled that boy more in the last few days than I have in a few weeks.  He needs me and I need him.  I know I wrote not so long ago about how I don’t really know who I am anymore.  I know who I am, I’m his mom and that’s really all that matters.  I don’t need a career to identify me, I’ve been there.  I just need him like he needs me.  It’s an awesome feeling (and not in the ninja turtles way, it’s a feeling from within – about as close to spiritual as I get honestly).  I hurt for the mama who has lost another baby boy, I hurt for my friends who have lost them and strangers who have as well.  I can’t imagine going through it, I don’t know if I’m strong enough for something like that.  

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